Writing something public is difficult. The draft for this article has been open for days now with basically nothing in it. Even the just writing this first paragraph was difficult and I kept on changing it. While there might be a host of reason for it being difficult, at least in my case, I believe it’s a fear of others’ opinion.
Well, to be clear, it’s not the opinion itself that I fear. It’s the opinions where they think badly of me. If in their opinions I was awesome and everything I wrote was great writing, I don’t think I’d be afraid. Right?
This ‘medium story’ is an attempt at forcing myself to write something and publish it. To chip away at the fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember.
Although I’m bad at writing, I enjoy public speaking. I find it exhilarating. The moment right before public speaking is always nerve wracking, but once I start, it’s really gratifying.
It hasn’t always been that way though. I remember in junior high school where in two occasions we had to present something in front of the class. Once it was a speech and the second was a book review. I was nervous as hell. Every time a person finished their presentation, I dreaded that my name would be called next. I was nervous the whole time just waiting for my turn. Once I was called, my eyes were glued to the text I had. Despite the teacher’s instruction to try to look at the audience, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My hands were shaking hard and my throat really dry. I just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. It was not something I wanted to do again.
Time passed and I graduated junior high and moved to high school. After orientation week was over, we started having regular lecture. In the third period, we had our homeroom teacher come in. “Since this is the first day in this class, I want all of you to introduce yourselves.” she said. Well that made sense, we need to get to know each other after all. Then, she added, “Do it in the front of the class.”
WHAT! This is the first day and we have to go to the front of the class to introduce ourselves!? Seriously?
“Alright, who wants to go first?” she continued.
…
The class was silent.
…
Nobody volunteered to go first.
At that moment a thought popped in my head. “I want to change! I don’t want to always dread speaking in front of the class! I don’t want to continue being the old me.”
I probably had wanted to change all along subconsciously. I had many regrets in my junior high life that stemmed from my inability of expressing what I want.
I then raised my hands. The teacher told me to go in front of the class. I somehow introduced myself. And it felt amazing to have done it.
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I often look back at my life. And I feel like most if not all of my accomplishments are thanks to that very moment in my life. The time I volunteered to go first. The time I dared to do by my own volition, instead of waiting to be forced to do something.
Also, now knowing that speaking in front of the class, in front of many people, is not a big deal. I started to do it more and more and feel less and less nervous. Well, I’m always a bit nervous exactly before speaking, but I know that it’s not a bad thing.
I hope that I can do the same with writing. Maybe this ‘medium story’ will be the one I think of when I think back at the defining moment where I change from not being able to publish writing to being a prolific writer. Who knows. I sure hope so though.
If anyone reading has something they are really afraid of. If it’s not something that’s actually dangerous, I hope you’ll also be able to overcome it. Best of luck to all of us!